with only a month left, i found myself randomly missing my friends and everything that is at home and feels like home. and i want to be home.

but im afraid of that feeling… if i come home and i still feel that empty void. what if its not enough. if i cant surround myself with love ones enough to distract me. if theres still pain at the end of the day. 

even though we broke up. God has perfect timing. The perfect weekend, just at the right time. And I cant help but to be comforted by that fact. It could have been worse.

i honestly believe you’re better than that. you truly deserve something better. i hate to see this… you’re setting yourself up for failure and even more heartache. 

put yourself to a higher standard. you deserve it.

"here i am, trying to give you wings. but, you’re already an angel."

waking up to my dreams to reassure myself…

God is telling me to be patient. Everything is in his time and plan.

maybe i should take a one year break.

what if you work so hard to come home to your family, but you just to come home to be unhappy. 

debriefing part 3 

nysc edition - last one I promise. 

Everyone on the college side has said it: It was different. 
I have just been through my 5th Hofstra. And I’m at that age (don’t I sound old) where I looked back, and I have seen how much I have grown. Especially since this year was so different.

1. Rather than me talking about how ‘broken’ I am, and how much of a sinner I am, I listened. I listened to how my best friend, was trying to figure out the best way to please God. 
2. That brought me so much joy. If I could cry I would. It was/ is going to be so amazing having to experience/see first hand what a Christian relationship is. How I will be part of a community, bringing a boy and girl together before our King. I have never seen it first handed, where a relationship was solely built on Christ. 
3. You are not a hypocrite. You are inconsistent
4. Sometimes it’s a blessing to not be in that Christian bubble. People open up more. People don’t feel judged 
5. After seeing this relationship and reflecting back on this year, God is telling me to be patient with relationships. I definitely messed up these past 3 years. But, if he could magically sprout a relationship out of a 10 year+ friendship… He must be telling me just to wait. 

debriefing part 2 

God has relieved so much of himself to me this year.

When people started asking me how I liked Baruch, I realized that I only liked it because I met one friend. My best friend, truly opened herself up to me. She introduced me to her friends and in her life. Life was no longer: school, work, home. And because I met her by choosing sitting next to her in a 300 people lecture, I have to say I was blessed to meet her. I realize now, that God has put her in my life to help me through this year. And now that I’m writing this, Miyoung too. How in a school of so many people, could God placed with me such people who do not judge me. Who are so similar and compatible with me. They were the only reason I survived and was happy.

Blessed

And how throughout all of this, did He provide me still with an accountability sister? Where did all my home church sisters go? How was it that my NYSC sister, was so invested in me. God has perfect timing. I realized that no one from the church, except for the older sister at Temple, had talked to me about my faith. I didn’t really keep up with any one. How God provided me with Miyoung and her Pastor, to show me what a church of love could be. That weekly bible studies aren’t always diving so deep into the word - breaking things down, phrase by phrase - but instead, it could be words, used in university. Words that a professor, holding a bible study in his office, said in his class. 

Blessed

Faith random list:
- I realized God was real my first year of TECBC. Scripture says “blessed are those who have not seen, and yet have believed” I saw something that night. Maybe I can’t have that blind faith. But, I recognize the Spirit so strongly - and that’s thats where my faith comes from. Even through times of drought, it was impossible for me to ignore. Only through God, could people unite together and cry out. Praise with everything in their hearts. How can you not be happy when praising? Or when you see youth so passionate? 
- 2nd semester sophomore year, when I realized I was so empty because I wanted community. That this emptiness that I used to feel in HS, was back without me even knowing. 
- When Katie told me her problem. And I wanted to say that it’s “all in God’s time”. But I felt like a hypocrite. But that’s when I realized, I do believe in something. It’s not just because I grew up in church. I firmly know, God has a plan. And it’s all in his time.

my own debriefing

It’s been a long three years. I should be heading into my senior year of college. And its mind blowing to think of that. Where did the time go?

The first two years were a lot of…
Bitterness and Anger - Why did I like college as much as everyone else? Why wasn’t I happy? Why did I hate the very thing I was looking so forward to? Why didn’t I find that ideal fellowship that I imagined myself to be submerged in. How can other people work so hard on a drawing? Am I not passionate enough? And even when I did find a fellowship… Why couldn’t this be my school? Why did I figure this out too late? Why do I have to leave now? Everything I wanted in that one year, stripped away.. Why?

Running away and being licentious - I tried to make an excuse. That I was so burnt out from leading from two years in high school. But now that I reflect on it. I don’t think I was. I loved serving. Though I believe that I wasn’t strong enough in faith to lead all of the youth. I just didn’t want to believe how unhappy I was. Why would God do this to me? Wasn’t I so faithful? Didn’t I just want to be happy and be in my Christian bubble for the rest of my life?! How come I couldn’t keep my faith?

Confusion - Do I REALLY believe in God… or is this just something I grew up learning? After all I have done, why would God love someone like me? What is love? Why do I go to church? What’t the point? I am such a hypocrite. 

note to self:

over the next few years, learn how to…

be accepting, genuinely caring, kind
apologize
give in (dont be too stubborn) 
control myself: emotions, obnoxiousness
care, work hard, wake up