a spark that lit the candle

with only a month left, i found myself randomly missing my friends and everything that is at home...

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 15:36:32 -0400

with only a month left, i found myself randomly missing my friends and everything that is at home and feels like home. and i want to be home.

but im afraid of that feeling… if i come home and i still feel that empty void. what if its not enough. if i cant surround myself with love ones enough to distract me. if theres still pain at the end of the day.

even though we broke up. God has perfect timing. The perfect weekend, just at the right time. And I...

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 16:51:51 -0400

even though we broke up. God has perfect timing. The perfect weekend, just at the right time. And I cant help but to be comforted by that fact. It could have been worse.

i honestly believe you’re better than that. you truly deserve something better. i hate to see...

Sat, 21 Jul 2012 03:26:05 -0400

i honestly believe you’re better than that. you truly deserve something better. i hate to see this… you’re setting yourself up for failure and even more heartache.

put yourself to a higher standard. you deserve it.

“here i am, trying to give you wings. but, you’re already an angel.”

Sat, 21 Jul 2012 02:16:51 -0400

“here i am, trying to give you wings. but, you’re already an angel.”

waking up to my dreams to reassure myself… God is telling me to be patient. Everything is in...

Tue, 10 Jul 2012 15:47:00 -0400

waking up to my dreams to reassure myself…

God is telling me to be patient. Everything is in his time and plan.

maybe i should take a one year break.

what if you work so hard to come home to your family, but you just to come home to be unhappy.

Fri, 06 Jul 2012 19:03:53 -0400

what if you work so hard to come home to your family, but you just to come home to be unhappy.

debriefing part 3

Fri, 06 Jul 2012 17:31:00 -0400

nysc edition - last one I promise.

Everyone on the college side has said it: It was different.
I have just been through my 5th Hofstra. And I’m at that age (don’t I sound old) where I looked back, and I have seen how much I have grown. Especially since this year was so different.

1. Rather than me talking about how ‘broken’ I am, and how much of a sinner I am, I listened. I listened to how my best friend, was trying to figure out the best way to please God.
2. That brought me so much joy. If I could cry I would. It was/ is going to be so amazing having to experience/see first hand what a Christian relationship is. How I will be part of a community, bringing a boy and girl together before our King. I have never seen it first handed, where a relationship was solely built on Christ.
3. You are not a hypocrite. You are inconsistent.
4. Sometimes it’s a blessing to not be in that Christian bubble. People open up more. People don’t feel judged .
5. After seeing this relationship and reflecting back on this year, God is telling me to be patient with relationships. I definitely messed up these past 3 years. But, if he could magically sprout a relationship out of a 10 year+ friendship… He must be telling me just to wait.

debriefing part 2

Fri, 06 Jul 2012 16:59:54 -0400

God has relieved so much of himself to me this year.

When people started asking me how I liked Baruch, I realized that I only liked it because I met one friend. My best friend, truly opened herself up to me. She introduced me to her friends and in her life. Life was no longer: school, work, home. And because I met her by choosing sitting next to her in a 300 people lecture, I have to say I was blessed to meet her. I realize now, that God has put her in my life to help me through this year. And now that I’m writing this, Miyoung too. How in a school of so many people, could God placed with me such people who do not judge me. Who are so similar and compatible with me. They were the only reason I survived and was happy.

Blessed.

And how throughout all of this, did He provide me still with an accountability sister? Where did all my home church sisters go? How was it that my NYSC sister, was so invested in me. God has perfect timing. I realized that no one from the church, except for the older sister at Temple, had talked to me about my faith. I didn’t really keep up with any one. How God provided me with Miyoung and her Pastor, to show me what a church of love could be. That weekly bible studies aren’t always diving so deep into the word - breaking things down, phrase by phrase - but instead, it could be words, used in university. Words that a professor, holding a bible study in his office, said in his class.

Blessed.

Faith random list:
- I realized God was real my first year of TECBC. Scripture says “blessed are those who have not seen, and yet have believed” I saw something that night. Maybe I can’t have that blind faith. But, I recognize the Spirit so strongly - and that’s thats where my faith comes from. Even through times of drought, it was impossible for me to ignore. Only through God, could people unite together and cry out. Praise with everything in their hearts. How can you not be happy when praising? Or when you see youth so passionate?
- 2nd semester sophomore year, when I realized I was so empty because I wanted community. That this emptiness that I used to feel in HS, was back without me even knowing.
- When Katie told me her problem. And I wanted to say that it’s “all in God’s time”. But I felt like a hypocrite. But that’s when I realized, I do believe in something. It’s not just because I grew up in church. I firmly know, God has a plan. And it’s all in his time.

my own debriefing

Fri, 06 Jul 2012 15:00:27 -0400

It’s been a long three years. I should be heading into my senior year of college. And its mind blowing to think of that. Where did the time go?

The first two years were a lot of…
Bitterness and Anger - Why did I like college as much as everyone else? Why wasn’t I happy? Why did I hate the very thing I was looking so forward to? Why didn’t I find that ideal fellowship that I imagined myself to be submerged in. How can other people work so hard on a drawing? Am I not passionate enough? And even when I did find a fellowship… Why couldn’t this be my school? Why did I figure this out too late? Why do I have to leave now? Everything I wanted in that one year, stripped away.. Why?

Running away and being licentious - I tried to make an excuse. That I was so burnt out from leading from two years in high school. But now that I reflect on it. I don’t think I was. I loved serving. Though I believe that I wasn’t strong enough in faith to lead all of the youth. I just didn’t want to believe how unhappy I was. Why would God do this to me? Wasn’t I so faithful? Didn’t I just want to be happy and be in my Christian bubble for the rest of my life?! How come I couldn’t keep my faith?

Confusion - Do I REALLY believe in God… or is this just something I grew up learning? After all I have done, why would God love someone like me? What is love? Why do I go to church? What’t the point? I am such a hypocrite.

note to self:

Thu, 14 Jun 2012 02:30:18 -0400

over the next few years, learn how to…

be accepting, genuinely caring, kind
apologize
give in (dont be too stubborn)
control myself: emotions, obnoxiousness
care, work hard, wake up

I started to give someone slight Christian advice… something pretty simple like how God will...

Mon, 04 Jun 2012 23:35:33 -0400

I started to give someone slight Christian advice… something pretty simple like how God will bring everything together and how He’ll heal wounds…

And then I deleted it because I felt like the biggest hypocrite.

lotd

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 01:24:30 -0400

1. realized today, i thrive on competition. no competition? no care. no motivation. beyond idgaf. first thing i learned in my internship: im going into corporate.

2. the summer is only starting. how exciting.

3. in certain situations it’s really hard for me to apologize. pride? stubbornness? lack of care? probably all of the above. how to fix.

4. maybe i should just focus on how blessed i truly am.

5. reminder: a loty.

Grateful

Sun, 20 May 2012 23:36:00 -0400

I’m fortunate enough to still be friends with all my friends from high school. Because people constantly change. You have no idea who these people are anymore. Some people never change and other times you change with them.

an open heart and open mind,

i realized i put friends in mental groups… and once theyre there and nobody opens up…...

Wed, 16 May 2012 03:57:00 -0400

i realized i put friends in mental groups… and once theyre there and nobody opens up… youre stuck.
i dont even know how they got there. wasnt judged. just happened over time. depending on interactions i guess. my fault… must fix in future.

stuck in this place of trying to trust and cant trust… actually its probably jst me. merp.

i guess sometimes its necessary to be passive aggressive… if you get angry and say something...

Wed, 16 May 2012 02:52:22 -0400

i guess sometimes its necessary to be passive aggressive…

if you get angry and say something it jst starts another fight. people misunderstand each other. i guess as long as you dont push things under the rug too much.

cant let it bother you. let it go.

Good to have my best friend back. Afraid her words are just going to be words. ”now that i’m...

Mon, 07 May 2012 19:08:25 -0400

Good to have my best friend back.
Afraid her words are just going to be words. ”now that i’m back were going to be conjoined at the hip”
it’s so hard to trust people now. I didn’t used to be like this…..

focus. hard work will pay off in the end. dont focus on anybody else. no emotions. keep making...

Tue, 01 May 2012 00:03:54 -0400

focus. hard work will pay off in the end.

dont focus on anybody else.

no emotions.

keep making yourself busy.

i dont understand this whole.. “remember when we used to be friends. because i dont.”i...

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 04:10:00 -0400

i dont understand this whole.. “remember when we used to be friends. because i dont.”
i remember. i just dont know who you are.

so jealous. i miss the people who were dying to hang out with me any chance they can. why is it so...

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 22:43:00 -0400

so jealous. i miss the people who were dying to hang out with me any chance they can. why is it so hard to find the kind of friends that you are so compatible with.

maybe im just needy, jealous, … and lonely right now.

wow. im such a love-me person.

i hate when i cant be of any help.

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 04:54:00 -0400

after speaking to my friend about his first real heart break…

it reminds me that.. this is all a cycle. we’ll get through it. theres always a first for everyone. but honestly, some people really dont deserve it.

and it sucks even more that all i can say is “i’m sorry. that really sucks.” cant give words of comfort. because like me, he’s realistic. he knows life goes on and he’ll eventually get over it.

so useless. cant even give my best friend a hug.